Milestones and Miles

August 30, 2011  |  Fatherhood

I probably should have googled ‘how to teach a child to ride a bike’ but, in fairness to me, I had no idea I’d be teaching a child to ride a bike any time in the near future.   Z’s Thomas the Tank Engine bike had training wheels since he first got it (a hand me down) and for the past few weeks it had sat idle in the garage with a flat tire.  I promised to get it fixed but that particular task just kept getting pushed down on the to-do list. Among other things, I’ve been getting ready to take a job that involves a great deal of travel and a lot of nights away from home and I’ve been buried in buying plane tickets, packing bags, sorting out child care at home and a million other little arrangements.

When we finally got around to repairing the flat, Z and Pebbles and I wound up in one of those fancy, high-end bicycle shops; the kind of place where serious cyclists wear skin tight shorts, Live Strong bracelets and a look that says “my bike is made of a high density polymer and weighs 28 ounces.”   It’s hard not to feel out of place dragging two spirited (read spazzy) toddlers and a dirt covered bike from Target up the to repair counter. But I promised to get the thing working again and the shop (I think it’s actually a “shoppe”) was open and close-by.

Turns out Don, the cycle tech, was incredibly friendly and didn’t bat an eye at our low tech suburban ride. When Z, enamored of all the shiny, spoked adult bikes hanging from the walls, asked for the training wheels to come off, Don looked to me for approval and then cranked them right off and handed us back a fully functional big boy bike.

On the one hand, I thought the two-wheel bike experiment might be a recipe for disaster, a case of Z’s desire to be independent out-pacing both his physical prowess and his tolerance for crashing repeatedly.  Then again, if we were able to pull it off, this was the perfect chance to cram in one more moment before I hit the road for a while.  Kindergarten was well underway, why not get ‘teach your son to ride a bike’ checked off the list while you still can?   This is the knot in my stomach, the ball of anxiety — the feeling that working in and out of town will mean missing these milestones.

Z, it turns out, is a natural on the bike and requires only a modest amount of hand-holding.  “Find your balance,”  I tell him, and sure enough he does.   For the first half an hour or so I hold the back of his seat and then later just the back of his shirt – ready to yank him off the bike should he careen into the street.   Every now and again he gets too close to a tree or a curb and he freaks out a little bit and, by doing so, drives straight into the thing that frightened him in the first place.   “Sometimes it’s going to be a little scary,” I tell him, “the important thing is to not panic.

Every trip down the sidewalk, he’s getting better until, eventually, he asks if we can get the video camera out and make a movie showing just how awesome he is on the bike.   With the camera set up, he asks for me to let him do it by himself, close enough to intervene but hands off.   I give him one last piece of advice “Whatever else you do, just keep peddling.”  and with that, we roll the video.

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Another milestone in the books…

There’s no question that I am genuinely excited about my new gig, it’s exactly the kind of work I want to be doing and it comes at just the right time in my career. But I’m also deeply conflicted. I never wanted to be an absent father, the guy that missed the little, mundane, details of his childrens lives. Now I am worried that I have signed up for exactly that. It’s a rather unoriginal complaint, I know, wanting to fulfill my duties as provider and caregiver and having those two roles strain against each other in opposite directions. I certainly didn’t invent the weird combination of guilt, loneliness and anticipation that goes with these choices, but I have also never felt it so acutely as I do here on the 20th floor of the midtown Marriott.

Watching the world zip by,  I can still see my boy, racing down our sidewalk away from me, relishing his freedom, shouting “speed is nice!” at the top of his lungs as I sprint after him, shouting encouragement the whole way so he knows I’m there with him.

I want to get on a plane right now and be home in time to read him books and kiss Pebbles in her crib.  But I know I can’t.  Instead, I’ll order room service, pour a glass of wine and try to remember that the advice best heeded by new two-wheel bike riders isn’t all that different than that of weary fathers on the road.

Find your balance. 

Sometimes it’s going to be a little scary, the important thing is to not panic.

Whatever else you do, just keep peddling.


  1. JD,
    I’ve spent many a night in Marriott rooms wondering how many powerful moments I’m missing out with my kids and wife. The strange thing is that I seem to be blessed with an overabundance (if there can be such a thing). As a dad, I would even go further and say that we even have the capacity to make plenty of moments with them when we are around. Perhaps if I was there for every breath they made, I would not truly live in the moment and thereby take them for granted. I know your intent in writing this blog is not to seek out praise for your fathering skills, but from one father to another you do us proud.

    Keep Peddling!

  2. Best yet, JD. Absolutely perfect.

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